The Addendum to the Talk

"The Talk" used to be that embarrassing discussion between father and son about all those wonderful changes brought on by puberty. Now, however, urban parents have added an unfortunate appendix to that discussion that involves the local constabulary, and how to survive an encounter with them. While I agree that this discussion is important, there are some issues with the motivation that need to be noted first.

[Don't worry; I'll include some basic survival tips so as to make sure that necessary topics are covered!]

So let's deal with the first elephant: It needs to be noted that this is not just a "black thing". While it may seem like that because that's where the media focus has been, there are a lot of less than peaceful encounters between police and any ethnic group; just look at skateboarders and protesters if you think only blacks have problems with the police. As such, it's not a bad idea for all kids to at least receive some sort of breifing on how to deal with cops.

[It's worth noting that suburban and country kids already get a more thorough version of This Talk (suburban kids get a breakdown of different cops while country kids get more legal information), but that's mainly because they are most likely to deal with cops the most due to tickets, checkpoints, and emergency situations. It also helps that they are more likely to know people in law enforcement, so they are most likely to be comfortable with them in the first place.]

The other issue that needs to be allowed for is that you need to avoid making it seem like the police are THE problem. There are some parenting issues to be considered here: While you do want kids to question authority, at least to some degree, you also want to avoid out and out rebellion; it's a balancing act that you as parents need to master. The issue here is that, if you okay disrespect to one authority you oay disrespect to any authority, and they are unlikely to respect an emergency authority. This means that they will not only disrespect you (as the authority figure in their lives), but also teachers (making teaching them harder) and paramedics and firefighters.

You need to keep in mind that some urban youth already have an attitude issue when it comes to cops: Not only does an arrest record build street cred, but prison time is considered a rite of passage. To show you how bad it is, a rapper actually sued the NY Times for slander when they revealed that he hadn't even been arrested! His credibility as a rapper had effectively been based on his prison time and arrest record, and he had neither! So he sued. That's a mentality that needs to be changed; a kid that's not scared of prision time isn't scared of the police, and that can create a lot of problems. That's an attitude that needs to be backed down big time. Again, the kids need to be aware that authority can be questioned, but outright rebellion against authority should be discouraged.

[This is not to say that the police don't have to work on less violent means of apprehension, but I've covered that already. My concern here is that the lack of fear of authority, the downright "Screw you!" attitude creates a lot of problems in and of itself.]

With that said, here are some topics that need to covered in The Talk:

1) In any discussion with law enforcement, hands need to be kept visible to the person with the badge. Hands that keep disappearing or are kept in pockets will make the op wary and possibly paranoid, and a guy with a gun, who is trained in its use, and has license to use it that weapon to kill, is not someone you want on edge.

2) Keep an open stance and don't fidget. An "open stance" is one where the cop can see your entire front with feet place just below the shoulders. Hands should be kept in front, preferably crossed chest high. While a cop is going to allow for some nervous energy, the more motionless you can be the better. Eye contact is also good, but try to be as impassive as possible; glowering at the cops is not going to help matters.

3) Be respectful. Answer any questions quickly and without attitude; if you feel something will incriminate you, you do have the right to ask for a lawyer; if you are arrested, you definitely have the right to a lawyer. If you're a minor (17 years or younger) you may not be questioned without a parent (or equivalent) present. However, you can answer as long as you don't misdirect the officer. Bear in mind that the officer wants to arrest the person who committed a crime and you want to talk to cops as little as possible; the officer will respect your position as long as you help him.

4) Maintain your position. Do not step towards the cop and do not back away if the cop approaches you. Approaching the cop can be seen as assault, and the cop is entitled to defend himself. Backing away can be seen as an attempt to flee, and that entitles the cop to take you down. Maintaining your position, not moving an inch, makes the cop look bad and sets him up for a complaint (at least) if he attempts to intimidate you.

[Let's clarify "assault": "Assault" does not require physical contact, only approaching someone. That's why it's usually paired with "battery", which is physical contact. Oh, and watch where the cop places his hands; too much contact with his weapon can be seen as "brandishing", an attempt at intimidation which which is also illegal in a most jurisdictions, and can result in complaints as well.]

5) If you're carrying, do not display the weapons nor reach for them. At that point you're the one at fault and the cop is allowed to react as he sees fit. He can claim either that you were about to attack him or that you were brandishing your weapons, and either allows the cop to claim to self-defense. Do not mention the weapons unless asked; you can fail to claim them, but youi can't lie about having them. Thus, make sure that you have any proper documentation for any weapons you do carry. And the "We were on our way to a baseball game" isn't an effective excuse. And make sure that you have actual training with the weapons you use; this is for your own health just as much as it for those around you. The most dangerous person in a fight is the moron with no training and it's because he's more likely to take down his frineds than his enemies.

6) Avoid street lawyers. Too many people get their legal legal knowledge from bad cop shows, and a lot of those shows totally suck at actual law. Something to consider: If someone keeps going in and out of jail because of basic stupidity, it's probably a good bet they don't know as much about the law as they think they do. If you pay heed to what they say you are more likely to end up as a statistic, so either find a way to shut them up, ignore them, or avoid them; your health could depend on it.

7) While the cop is on the scene, do what he says. Period. If there's an issue, file a complaint ASAP. You do not want to attack a cop, on or off duty; doing so may get you some serious street cred, but it's a good bet that things overall will actually get worse. However, if a cop has a lot of complaints on his record and he ends up in court, those complaints all f a sudden have a lot of power. Those complaints will also keep a cop from getting promoted, and back any civilian oversight program, that could result in getting him fired. BUT remember to make sure that the complaints are legitimate; too many false complaints will cause the legitimate reports to carry much less weight.

8) Try to record any encounter with the cops. As even cheap phones have cameras, there is no reason to not have at least two or three recording devices in a group of 5-10 people. If a cop tells you to stop recording put away the device and obey the request. After the encounter, file a complaint if someone blocks you from recording or if the cop has a missing bodycam or if it's shut off. The recording keeps both sides honest, and if something happens it becomes evidence. If necessary, take a cue from the military: Have one or two people keep their distance from the main group and so that they can record the situation without inteference from the cops (just like infantry scouts, they are to cover the group).

If you can, have one of the recorders carry his phone on the outside with the camera facing out; this way he can activate the recording function and not hold the device, thus giving it away that he is recording. If there's an issue, e-mail the video with a complaint. if you want to post it to Youtube or equivalent, give the precinct at least two days to deal with the complaint before doing so; this is not only a courtesy to them, but also shows that you are trying to be nice. You'll find that if you do this as a standard operating procedure your complaints will be handled much faster.

9) Enforce a dress code. Dress for respect and you'll be taken more seriously. If you want your complaints taken more seriously and if you want the cops to treat you more respectfully, then dress better and make sure that those around you dress well as well. Yes, this means no sagging pants, but it also means eliminating pants and shirts with too many holes, hoodies that need to be retired, and shoes that are worn out. If necessary, get the opinion of a girl and start a fund for your friends that are fashionably challenged, but you'll find that the better you dress the more respectfully others will treat and the more confident you will be.

10) Above all treat others as you yourself wish to be treated. Treat others with respect and you yourself will be respected. Never be afraid to apologize if you screw up and volunteer a reasonable penalty if you mess up. If one of your crew screws up, make sure that the bahviour is quickly corrected and that he apoligizes. If you know something ticks off someone else, don't do it and they will not do things that annoy you, provided it's within reason. The better reputation you have for being respectful, the more seriously your complaints will be treated and the better even the cops will treat you.

I know a lot of that sounds onerous, but it's worth investing the time and money to do so. You'll find that a lot of problems either lessen or disppear altogether and that when problems do develop you'll have some actual help in solving them. That alone makes all of the effort worth it, and that makes it something that you need to consider adapting as quickly as you can. If nothing else, this should help make The Talk that much easier, but make sure that you give it. Lives could depend on kids getting the right talking to, and the sooner the better. Yeah, they may ignore what you say initially, but they will eventually come around. Hopefully before they end up in prison or a body bag....